I get tunnel vision sometimes.
I get so focused on what needs to get done, what I think I should be focusing on, what I NEED to focus on so that (insert Very Important Reason here) will get done/taken care of/finished/baked/cooked/cleaned.
I tell myself that it’s for the greater good.
And I get annoyed with my kids because they want my attention when DON’T THEY KNOW I’M BUSY???
I hear my exasperated voice - “WHAT NOW?” after Julia has popped in to tell me the 574th thing she’s told me since she got home from school.
I roll my eyes and groan when they want a snack.
I look upon dinner preparation as TORTURE.
It’s like everyone ELSE under this roof is making a concerted effort to undermine MY progress. MY success. MY completion of The Important Things I Am Trying To Do!
And braided in with all that, of course, are the other chains I drag around with me in this lifetime. Things I Have No Control Over And Can’t Fix, and Things I Imagine In My Head That, (like those icky squishy baby dinosaurs that you put in water and they grow and grow and grow) Just Get Bigger And Worse And Horribler In My Brain The More I Water Them With My Obsessing.
I’m a hoot at parties
Anyway, as frequently happens, all this reaches a boiling point, and I turn into a yucky mess. Red, splotchy, and weepy.
It’s easy to see why Bill married ME.
Not pretty, but cathartic, I suppose.
I took my cracked and crumbling self into a hot tub and soaked away the rest of the tangle of stupid thoughts and frustrations and self-imposed deadlines and sadness and imaginings and whatever else got tossed into the bubbling stew in my head.
And then I hear Alex hollering to me from outside the bathroom.
“Hey Mom! When are you gonna be done?”
“I don’t know, why?” (I’m still hiding from everyone who might want something of me. Still glueing and scotch taping myself together.)
“We wanted to do a family bowling night!”
Family bowling night. It’s part of one of the Wii games we have.
“Give me ten minutes,” I called.
I’d planned to soak longer, but I think I knew I needed to let go of everything else and just play with the kids and Bill.
So that’s what we did.
And I’m feeling much better now.